I remember finding out I was a few weeks pregnant. I felt excited and shocked all at the same time. A mix of emotions. The next few weeks were a roller coaster at times I felt excited other times I felt tearful, anxious, worried and suffered from extremely low moods. I remember sitting in the nights with a knife in my hand feeling low and wanting to slit my wrists and crying. I didn’t think anyone understood me and what I was going through. My husband did not know how to support me and I could not speak to anyone. I felt like I was in this deep dark hole and however much I tried, I could not get myself out. At times I felt a little better but each time the nausea and extreme fatigue kicked in I felt awful again. This carried on for a number of months. Towards the end of my pregnancy I felt a little better as I thought things were going to get better when the my baby was born.
I struggled to form an attachment with my baby in the early months. Being a first time mum and with my mother abroad, I had nobody for support. My husband after some paternity leave went back to work. I felt so alone and my anxiety increased when I was on my own with my daughter. My health visitor diagnosed me with post natal depression, I felt a weight being lifted from my shoulders I wasn’t going crazy, it was a relief to know that there is a name for my condition. I was on anti-depressants for a number of years. My bond with my daughter improved after a number of months being on medication. My health visitor became my ‘surrogate mum’, she was my lifeline. She helped me through some very dark times. My husband tried to support me through these very difficult times but I needed someone else who was impartial and understood what I was really going through. Attending therapy sessions for a number of months helped me understand my condition better and take control of it.