Do you ever wonder why sometimes you are reacting to a situation, but don’t understand why? Do you seek approval to the extent where you live for others and not yourself? Do you often feel that you self-sabotage your success? Do you often feel that you fear speaking your mind, incase you’re not heard, or someone may laugh or you’ll be judged?

As a child, we learn how to communicate with people and experience the world through our primary caregivers or significant person. We develop a place for ourselves in the world and build rules which we live by. Often children will strive for the basic human needs, such as approval or acceptance and unconditional love. If the child grows up not receiving this, they can develop negative internal beliefs such as not being worthy of love, low self esteem and perhaps also struggle with building good relationships with others. As a result of this the child can grow up feeling that he or she is the problem, nobody likes or loves them i.e. faulty beliefs.

As we grow older, we carry these false internal beliefs with us. We learn to reject ourselves and as a result develop insecurities from the pastimes as a child when we have felt we have not received approval or love. We can find ways to cope with these feelings, such as through avoidance, drink and drugs, distractions, striving to perfection, hiding who you are in view of feeling rejected. This can also impact on our mental health such as, anxiety, panic attacks, low self esteem, lack of confidence, eating problems, depression, anger, etc.

As a result of this, it stops us being the person we are capable of being, as we live by the rule that our inner child has experienced of not being good enough to be loved. So the inner child may live for approval from others. We as adults need to begin to make ourselves whole again and accept every part of who we are even our inner child. You can learn to communicate with your inner child and understand the experiences, to help you understand the reality you live in now.

By learning to understand your inner child, the emotions, experiences, thoughts and relationships, you will learn to better understand the person you are today. You will learn to accept who you are, have been and perhaps may be. You will learn to love and accept yourself. Your emotions, past experiences and thoughts will no longer control you. You will be able to challenge your faulty and irrational beliefs and create a new belief system which will work for you in the present and the future.

For more information, contact hello@clinicaltherapygroup.com or visit our website.

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We all have past experiences which create the adults we are today. Our past is important as the dots from the past joins the dots in the present and future. If then, our past has been hard and tumultuous, how then do we have hope about the future or the present? Is my past going to create a very different person today and in the future? What would I have been if I didn’t suffer the childhood abuse or trauma or if I wasn’t married to him for most of adult life? Who would I have been?

So many questions and so much uncertainty around who am I? What I could have been? Or who I can be? How do I move forward and look into the future and have hope for the future. Learning to accept the past, understanding why it happened, how it affected me as a child or an adult, the decisions I made as a result of my experiences, various relationships I built, lost, recreated and maintained.

The question “Who am I?” almost creates this sense of not being adequate. When sometimes working with individuals who have suffered some form of childhood abuse or a long term relationship breakdown, they claim they don’t really know who they are if not for the childhood abuse or the time spent in this long relationship. Rather than to stay with the fragile sense of self what about creating new experiences for yourself and creating a new sense of self.

Understanding, learning, being aware of one’s own thoughts and feelings, fears and hopes will help to create a new sense of self which is flexible and will keep changing over time. Learning and accepting that there will always be parts of our identity that serve us well and for us to continue to keep them and discarding other parts of our identity which may not serve us well and limit us.

In T.S Eliot’s The Elder Statesman, a character says:
I’ve been freed from the self that pretends to be someone
And in becoming no one, I begin to live.

For more information, contact hello@clinicaltherapygroup.com or visit our website.

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School years are important for children and young people to develop social, emotional, knowledge and behaviours. These years are the most impressionable years in a young persons life. This period sets them up to determine how well they cope with their mental health and wellbeing into adulthood.

Building emotional resilience can help young people to cope and manage better with stressors in life. As a result of this, they will be able to bounce back from adversity, and ultimately this will help in preventing the development of mental health problems later in life.

A large amount of time is spent by young people in the classroom, schools can provide an ideal environment to promote good emotional wellbeing, identifying any early behaviour changes and stressors.

Stress in schools is a real problem. Young people worry about their home life or school life. In a survey conducted in 2016 by Association of Schools & College Leaders & National Children’s Bureau, it was found that over 90% of school leaders reported a rise in the number of students experiencing anxiety or stress and low mood or depression, over the last few years.

Students need education to include how to understand and look after their mental health – just like we learn how to look after our physical health. By shifting the focus to preventing mental health problems and building resilience we can do so much to improve the lives of so many. Good emotional wellbeing on leaving school has a much greater impact on life outcomes than exam success.

Currently, only one in four children are able to access the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS). As there is an increase in the demand for specialist mental health services, the NHS is struggling to meet this demand. The lack of capacity leads to increase in waiting times or higher thresholds for children and young people to access these services. The help to children and young people is simply coming too late.

In 2015/2016, Childline had 50,819 counselling sessions with children and young people worried about suicidal feelings, self-harm, mental health or depressive disorders. Rates of depression and anxiety for young people have increased by 70% in the past 25 years.

Early education and support in schools, support through psycho-education for parents and offering alternatives such as various therapies for children and young people, can all help to build the emotional resilience and mental wellbeing.

Evidence shows that these mental health initiatives can lead to significant improvements in the children’s mental health, reduction in absence, truancy, anxiety, depression and bullying.

There needs to be a greater focus on the early identification of problems, early intervention and more preventative work to be done to address the growing problem of children and young people’s mental health.

For more information, contact hello@clinicaltherapygroup.com or visit our website.

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As a psychotherapist, I work with clients who sometimes struggle with overwhelmingly negative emotions for many years. Helping them to understand why things can sometimes be consistently so hard for them, working through these feelings, helping to give them some insight and control of their feelings, can really help some clients through these difficult times.

I found the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook by Marsha M. Linehan very useful. One thing that really stood out for me when reading the workbook, was Radical Acceptance.

Radical acceptance means that you accept something completely, without judging. With your mind, heart and body, accepting something from the depths of your soul, opening yourself to fully experiencing reality as it is in this one moment.

From the workbook:
“Radical acceptance means that you accept something completely, without judging it. For example, radically accepting the present moment means that you don’t fight it, get angry at it, or try to change it into something that it’s not. To radically accept the present moment means that you must acknowledge that the present moment is what it is due to a long chain of events and decisions made by you and other people in the past. The present moment never spontaneously leaps into existence without being caused by events that have already taken place…”

“… it also creates an opportunity to respond to that situation in a new way that’s less painful for yourself and others.”

This has resonated with me deeply. It reminds me of a situation with a friend where I was consistently getting upset, disappointed and frustrated. I am frustrated about how I am treated. I am positive about our arranged meetings but get predictably upset when the person acts predictably and then feel angry and resentful for days.

The concept of radical acceptance has really helped me to understand the situation better and the overwhelming negative thoughts have not affected me as much. So firstly if I radically accept the circumstances and the way the person is, I won’t be nearly as upset by it when it happens again. My need for approval and wishing that things will be different is also part of the problem.

The workbook suggests coming up with “coping thoughts” to help with some of these negative feelings. I could perhaps instead of hoping that things went well next time (hoping that I get approval and not criticism), I could completely change my goals around the situation and just go with the resolve to make it through and not react. This doesn’t mean that you are giving up or accepting bad situations, but sometimes in life there are just situations you have to deal with or get through.

It makes sense to me to begin by radically accepting a situation as it is, to just accept it without judging it, even if you normally wish with all your heart that it were different. All the usual noise around the circumstance just dies right down. Can you feel the quiet?

Now from this place, ask yourself the different circumstances that led to this situation. What role have others played? What role did you play? Could my choices or behaviours be different?

Radical acceptance isn’t about fixing or changing anything at this point. It’s just about accepting what is, without judgement to help you get through the situation in a different way.

Balwinder Hunjan is an Integrative psychotherapist, life and relationship coach and professional speaker. She is dedicated to helping people, reduce stress, anxiety and enjoy more meaningful lives. Bal is available for workshops, media commentary, private life and relationship coaching and psychotherapy.

For more information, contact hello@clinicaltherapygroup.com or visit our website.

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Unhealthy relationships can start early and last a lifetime. Teenagers sometimes think teasing, name-calling are “normal” part of a relationship. These behaviours can sometimes escalate and develop into more serious forms of violence.

Many teenagers sometimes are afraid to tell friends and family. Domestic violence amongst teenage girls can constitute stalking, physical, sexual, psychological or emotional violence within a dating relationship. With the prevalence of social media, a lot of the abuse can happen online too.

Often young girls find it difficult identifying controlling behaviour by a teenage boyfriend as they find the jealousy and wanting to know their whereabouts as an attractive and loving relationship.

In 2009 NSPCC survey, one in 4 girls aged between 13-17 reported experiencing intimate partner violence, one in nine females experienced severe physical violence and almost three quarters experienced emotional abuse.

As teenagers develop emotionally, they are heavily influenced by experiences in their relationships. Healthy relationships can have a positive impact on teenagers’ emotional development. Unhealthy relationships can have severe consequences, short and long term on the teenager.

Teenagers who experience unhealthy relationships, are more likely to experience, symptoms of low mood, depression and anxiety, use of drugs or alcohol, involvement in antisocial behaviours or thoughts of self harm such as suicide.

Why does domestic violence happen?

Teenagers learn how to behave in relationships through adults in their lives, their friends and the media.

Factors which increase the risk of an unhealthy relationship amongst teenagers are:

• Believe that violence is acceptable in relationships
• Higher tolerance level or acceptance to domestic violence as have witnessed or experienced it in their home
• Use of drugs or alcohol
• Anxiety, insecure attachment, depression or other symptoms of trauma
• Partner is suspicious, not trusting and lacks respect for you
• Lack self-esteem or self-worth

What can you do?

If you are in danger, call 999. The police can help you stay safe. The violence is not your fault. He will make you feel like it’s your fault and you made him behave this way. He alone is responsible for his own actions. Talk to someone you can trust, he may make you feel like nobody will believe you, intimidate you and call you derogatory names. He is planning to break you down because if he has broken your self-esteem, self-respect and isolated you from all your friends and family then he knows that he can manipulate and control you as he is all you have left.

Reach out to professionals around you and talk. Do not be ashamed or cover it up as you have done no wrong.

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The impact of emotional and psychological abuse can be profound and long lasting. Women may experience emotions such as grief, anger and fear long after leaving the abusive relationship.

Women as a result of abuse, lose control in their lives, to regain confidence and self-esteem. Women can learn to take back control. This process of empowerment being able to make decisions for self and others can help to counteract the intimidation and control many experience within abusive relationships.

Women can sometimes in abusive relationships change their appearance to please their partners or they are not able to go out with friends as they are made to feel guilty for not having prepared tea or done the washing. They can also be criticised with the care of their children. One women described not being able to take her children to the hairdressers as the husband didn’t trust her with her decisions around the type of haircut for the children. Years later when she had left the abusive relationship she still struggled with getting her children’s’ haircut and at times she caught herself thinking what would he say to this.

Tina, another woman describes being able to cut cheese the way she wanted and being able to choose what she watched on television. She is now able to do what she wants to do and not feel that she will be intimidated and controlled. Her control around day to day activities we all find as given, were restrained and as a result of this extreme power and control, Tina began to self harm. Regaining her power and control after having left the abusive relationship has enabled Tina to stop her self-harming behaviour.

Feelings of powerlessness or hopelessness not being able to change the situation can also lead to feeling low and when this is a consistent feeling over a number of months and years this can lead to depression. These emotions can sometimes overwhelm women. They then feel trapped in these abusive relationships as they feel they are not in a position to leave and may not be able to cope.

Women also lose their sense of identity in abusive relationships, one may feel that “I have lost the person I was before I met my partner” or “the light has gone.” They have changed themselves so much that they do not recognise the person they see in front of them. You lose pleasure in the things you used to enjoy and you doubt the real you as you have got so entrenched in the way your partner wants you to think and feel.

Learning to build your sense of self, understanding and working with your needs and wants, discussing and exploring the abuse, the impact it has had on you and other relationships can help to rebuild your self-esteem and as a result of that your self-confidence.

We at Clinical Therapy Group use various talking therapies to help facilitate this change.

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